It don't take such a lot of laws to keep the rangeland straight.
Nor books to write them in, cause there's only six or eight.
The first one is the welcome sign written deep in western hearts. My camp is yours and yours is mine in all cow country parts. Treat with respect all womankind same as you would your sister. Take care of neighbors strays you find, and don't call cowboys mister. Talk straight, shoot straight and never break your word to man or boss. Plum always kill a rattlesnake, and don't ride a sore backed hoss. Always shut the pasture gate when passin through and taken all in all. Be just as rough as it pleases you, but never mean or small. It don't take laws or pedigree to live the best you can.
These few is all it takes to be a cowboy and a man.
OLE TIMERS
He don't travel like a colt no more
He's gettin' long in the tooth
He lived when hell was frosty an' jackrabbits still wore horns
So bowlegged he can't even change his socks
He's been ridin' since he shed his milk teeth
His cinch is gettin' frayed
Had a hoss under him so long his legs are warped
Been forkin' a bronc so long he straddles a chair instead of settin' like a human
Like a steer he still tries
Just fryin' size but plumb salty
He was at the age when he should've been forgettin' the she-stuff an' spend more time reflectin' on his wasted youth.
LAZY
Quit spittin' on the handle an' get to work
Nobody never drowned hisself in his own sweat
He was lazy 'nough to make a good fiddler
Lazy as a hound dog in the sun
So damned lazy even molasses wouldn't run down his leg
Mostly sat 'round on his one-spot
Hardest work he ever done was take a long squint at the sun, an' a quick squat in the shade
Was always sitttin' on the south side of his pants
As lazy as a chilled rattler
Even too lazy to smile
.
Bein' in the Southwest, lets try DRY
So dry he had to prime hisself to spit
As dry as a covered bridge
The river bed was dry as a tobacco box
Driern' an empty water barrel
DRINKING
Nope , no water fer me, I don't want to put no fire out.
He kept goin' to town to see the elephant dance.
Iffen you got drunk on this, an' shot in the head, you'd not die till you sobord up
He was lappin' up likker like a fired cowhand.
DRUNK
He was more drunk than a peach-orchard sow.
So drunk he couldn't hit the ground with his hat in three tries.
He was drunk as a hillbilly at a rooster fight.
Full of piss an' viniger, he turns his wolf loose.
His breath was near strong 'nough to crack a mirror.
So durnk he couldn't pour whiskey into a barrel with the end knocked out.
He started givin' the town hell with the hide off.
Of course if you get drunk yure DUMB
So dumb he couldn't teach a hen to cluck.
He couldn't cut a cow from the shade of a tree.
Had no more tact than a bull goin' through a fence.
He couldn't drive a nail into a snowbank.
He couldn't hit a bull's ass with a banjo.
He ain't got sence 'nough to spit downwind.
Can't tell skunks form housecats
He couldn't find a football in a washtub.
He couldn't find a bell-cow in his own bed.
He'd walk into a river so he could drink standin' up.
There 's nothin' dumber than sheep cept the man as herds them.
His heads so hollow he has to talk with his hands to keep away from the echo.
Couldn't find a waggon of loose hay across a fourty-acre field of fresh snow.
He could be plenty ignorant without strugglin' to make a job of it.
COWMEN SAY IT SALTY.
First, I want you viewers to know that all these cowboy slang phrases are not just for readin' purposes. If you study them you'll soon learn to talk like a cowboy.
I remember once readin' bout an ole feller who claimed "a picture is worth a thousand words." Why that ole fossil don't know what he's talkin' about. You can take most any of cowboy slang phrases, set back in yore chair "as calm as a skunk in the moonlight," close yore eyes an' conjure up a word picture that will make the one picture idea about "as useless as settin' a milk bucket under a bull"
Lets try a couple of them pictures; Like---
Tryin' to scratch his ear with his elbow or
His hoss throwed him forked-end up or
She don't wear 'nough clothes to dust a fiddle or
"Oh is that you, ma" said the little porcupine as he backed into a cactus.
ALWAYS REMEMBER
A man that straddles fence usually has a sore crotch
A change of pastures makes fer a fatter calf
Your money don't last as long as a rattler in a cowboys boot.
A lot of folks would do more prain' could they find a soft spot fer their knees.
There's only two things I'm afeared of, a decent woman an' bein' left afoot.
Yuh can't turn a woman mor'n yuh can a runaway hog.
A grass widdow is a dangerous critter fer a bachelor cowboy.
Cussin' a range cook is a risky as brandin' a mules tail.
Yer not overweight--jus a foot too short.
A man that looks over his shoulder at every piece of straight road ain't been livin' a straight life.
That crossin' a woman 'bout as dangerous as walkin' in quicksand over hell.
Boothill is full of fellers that pulled their triggers without aiming.
If the Lord had intended us to fight like a dog, He'd a give us longer claws an' teeth.
A friend will stick with you 'til the're cuttin' ice in Death Valley.
If the saddle creaks, it's not paid fer.
The bigger the mouth the better it looks shut.
Likker will make yuh see double an' feel single.
Don't never interfere with nothin' what don't bother yuh none.
The Lord done put tumbleweeds here to show which way the wind is blowin'.
Most men are like a bob-wire fence, they hav their good points.
This page was last updated on: November 10, 2008
HOW ABOUTHOT
Hotter than the hubs of hell.
Hotter.n a burned boot.
It was hotter than hell with the blower on.
Hot enough to wither a fence post.
It too me two hours to blow a cup of coffee cool.
So hot and dry a grass-widder wouldn't take root.
We had to feed the chickens cracked ice to keep 'em from layin' hard-boiled eggs.
Dark
Dark as midnight under a skillet
So dark even the bats stayed home
So dark yuh couldn't find yore nose with both hands
Dark as the insides of a black bear
So damn dark yuh could feel it
LOT OF MONEY
He's got 'nough money to burn a wet mule
He carries a roll as big as a wagon hub
Got 'nough money to be called mister
Had more money than he could keep dry
A roll big 'nough to choke a cow
MISC.
DUDE - One of them stall-fed tenderfeet
HUNGRY - He dug in like a wolf after guts
WILD - Wild as a corn-crib rat
TIGHTWAD - He wouldn't loan yuh a nickle 'lessen yuh got the Lord an' all his disciples to go on the note
SLICK - As slick as snot on a door knod - Slicker'n calf slobbers
QUIET - So quiet yuh could hear daylight comin' - Quiet as a hoss thief after a hangin'
NOISY - As noisy as a calf corral - As noisy as a scrub bull in a briar patch - Noiser'n an empty wagon on a froze road - Made more noise than a hair-lipped hombre tryin'to whistle
SCARCE - Scarce as bird dung in a cuckoo clock - Scarce as hiccups at a prayer meeting - Scarce as hens teeth
UNHAPPY - His luck was runnin' kind of muddy - Looked so sad his ears flopped - Had more troubles than Job had boils
MEAN - As mean as a naggin' woman - Meaner'n a rattlesnake on a hot skillet - Puffed up like a green bronc on a cold mornin'
DEAD - He saddled a cloud an' rode to the great beyond - He was starin' at the sky an' seein' nothin' - Dead as a can of corned beef - We put him to bed with a pick and a shovel
CRAZY - I rekkon the heat kinda addled his think box - Kind of off his mental reservation - He was plum weak north of his ears - He couldn't sell hacksaw blades in the hoosegow
HOMELY - Looked like the ugliest mare ever foaled - His front teeth stuck out so far he could eat popcorn out of a jug - She could eat corn through a pickett fence - Had a nose yuh could store a small dog in - Her face looked like the east end of a westbound jackass
LIAR - He was as shy of the truth as a goat is of feathers - Could color up a story redder'n a Navajo blanket
KILLING - He had no breakfast forever - He won a pitchfork for the Great Beyond - It was a corpse 'an cartridge occasion - He had leaned again' a bullet goin' past - A bullet nailed him down - Took all the slack out of his rope - Shot him where he looked the biggest
MAD -Mad 'noug to kick his own dog - Mad 'nough to chomp a chunk out of his axe - Madder'n a rained-on rooster
HE-MAN - He stood out like a tall man at a funeral - A man with fur on his brisket - He maybe don't say nothin', but it ain't safe to ask him questions - He's a man that stood up before he was weaned - His craw was full of sand an' fightin' tallow.
MAD COW - Thet cow maybe a mother, but she shore ain't no lady - I frogs it acrost the corral like I'm goin' to get my gal to dance, with thet cow a scratchin' the grease off'n my pants every jump
PROUD - Statred walkin' like a tomcat in thin mud - Was walkin' like a dog had pissed on his off leg
SINGING - His singin' would stop a freight train - Had a vioce like a gut-gored buffalo - A dry axle could outsing him - His songs were mighty shy on melody, but a heap strong on noise - Couldn't carry a tune in a corked jug
HARDUP -He musta hard wintered by the looks of his outfit - Boots so frazzled he couldn't scratch a match without burnin' his feet - He didn't have 'nough clothes to pad a crutch
FAT -He was fat in the middle an' pore at each end
GRUB - Meat so tough yuh had to sharpen yore knife to cut the gravy - Chili so hot it had to be kept on ice - Deceitful beans -- those as talked behind yore back
SHY - Felt as out of place as a cow on a front porch - As shy as a green bronc at a new water trough
CLEAN - Makin' lather with laundry soap an' alkali water is like tryin' to find a hoss thief in heaven
GAMBLIN'- Nothin in his hand but some very young clubs - When the game was over, he didn't have a tailfeather left - His luck kind raveled out an' cleaned him down to his spurs
POOR - Steers were so thin yuh could look right through them to read the brand on the off side - As poor as a toothless coyote
SLOW - Took him longer than a hair-lipped hombre callin' his dog - So damn slow he couldn't stop quick - Slower'n a snail on crutches
Misc.- Don't corner somethin' meaner than you - Keep skunks and bankers at a distance - Don't name an animal you plan to eat - Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal
. POETRY CORNER
MY FAVORITEA COWBOY'S PRAYER
( Written for Mother )
Oh Lord, I've never lived where churches grow.
I love creation better as it stood
That day You finished it so long ago
And looked upon Your work and called it good.
I know that others find you in te light
Thats sifted down through tinted window panes,
And yet I seem to feel You near tonight
In this dim, quiet starlight on the plains.
I thank You, Lord, that I am placed so well,
That You have made my freedom so complete;
That I'm no slave to whistle, clock, or bell,
Nor weak-eyed prisoner of wall and street.
Just let me live my life as I've begun
And give me work that's open to the sky;
Make me a pardner of the wind and sun,
And I won't ask a life that's soft or high..
Let me be easy on the man that's down;
Let me be square and generous with all.
I'm careless sometimes, Lord when I'm in town,
But never let 'em say I'm mean or small!
Make me as big and open as the plains,
As honest as the hawse between my knees,
Clean as the wind that blows behind the rains,
Free as the hawk that circles down the breeze!
Forgive me, Lord, if sometimes I forget.
You know about he reasons that are hid.
You understand the things that gall and fret;
You know me better than my mother did.
Just keep an eye on all thats done and said
And rightme, sometimes when I turn aside,
And guide me on that long dim trail ahead
That stretches upward toward the Great Divide.
BADGER CLARK
GARY/OLEPI
There was a time when every gazing hill
was holy with the wonder that it saw,
And every valley was a place of awe.
And what the grass knew never could be told
Desert Canary
Texican
Line Shack
THE COWBOYS DREAM
Last night as I lay on the prairie
And looked at the stars in the sky,
I wondered if ever a cowboy
Would drift to the sweet by and by.
The road to the bright,happy region
Is a dim,narrow trail so they say;
But the brightone that leads to perdition
Is posted and blazed all the way.
They say that there will be a great roundup,
And cowboys, like dogies, will stand
To be marked by the Riders of
Judgement,Who are posted and know
every brand.
I know that there's many a cowboy
Who'll be lost at the great, final sale
When he might have gone in the green pasures
Had he known of the dim narrow trail.
I wonder if ever a cowboy
Stood ready for the Judgement Day
And could say to the Boss of the Riders
"I'm ready, come drive me away."
For they, like the cows that are locoed
Stampede at the sight of a hand
Are dragged with a rope to the roundup
Or get marked with some crooked mans brand.
And I'm scared that I'll be a stray yearling
A maveric, unbranded on high
And get cut in the bunch with the "rusties"
When the Boss of the Riders goes by.
They tell of another big Owner
Who's ne're overstocked,so they say
But who always makes room for the sinner
Who drifts from the straight narrow way.
They say he will never forget you
That he knows evey action and look;
So for safety you'd better get branded,
Save your name in his big Tally Book.
S.Omar Barker
RODEO
Leathery, wry, and rough
Jaw full of chaw, and slits
For eys- - - This guy is tough.
He climbs the slatted fence
Pulls himsel atop and sits,
Tilts back his cowboy hat.
Stained with sweat below
the crown, and wipes a dirty
Sleeve across his brow.
Then pulls the hat down tight
Caresses up the sides
and spits into the dirt,
A benidiction.
Vision narower still
The man reguards the beast,
There's weight enough to kill.
Bone and muscle enough to kill
Bone and muscle fit a least
To tear a man apart.
The cowboy sniffs and hitches at
His pants. Himself, all heart
and gristly, he watches as
the hands outside the chute
Prepare the sacrificial act,
Then he moves, swerving up
and into place, he pricks the
Braham's bullish pride.
The gate swings open free and
Screams begin to sanctify
Their pitching tortured ride.
Gary Peterson
I've lived in the desert so long I knowed all the lizzards by their front names..
This homestead stuff is easy as throwin a two-day old calf. I thaught it'd be like tryin to tie down a bobcat with a piece os string.
Well I better quit spittin on the handle an get back to work..
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ME
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN YOU
You have heard lots of stories how cowboys behaved,
There are some of them reckless and some of them brave;
And some just plain waddies that worked with the crew.
Such as might have been me or they might have been you.
But the boys acted different I generally found,
If there chanced to be peoply hangin' round,
Then they did out alone where nobody could see.
Was it that way with you? It was that way with me.
On the round up a man with a hoss that would buck
Didn't seem to consider he'd met with bad luck.
While the boys helped him saddle he'd laff and he'd joke.
He would pull down his hat and he'd roll up a smoke.
His heart might be poundin' in onder his shirt,
But he'd pull off the blind and he'd give him the quirt.
And he'd ride or git throwed like a real buckaroo.
Yes, that might have been me or it might have been you.
But out in a water lot somewhere alone
A boy trapped a fresh hoss, a big mean lookin' roan.
How gentle and easy he got in the saddle
Jest to see how he'd act when he once got a straddle.
He eases him around the corral on a walk
And gave him an earfull of kind gentle talk
He sure didn't hurry although it was late.
He slid off real carefull and opened the gate.
He set about like he was ridin, on eggs.
And he felt him out light with the calves of his legs.
Yes he jest stole a ride fer the fust mile or two.
Well, that might a been me and it might a been you.
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